War on Toys

My Fight for Childhood

Oh motherhood! How many of your problems can be solved by technology? We can warm your baby butt wipes in hopes that the change from body temperature urine to disposable cleaning won’t set off five-alarm shrieks at three am. We can attach pumps and hoses to you so that you become the most efficient milking machine in your mommy circle. We can vibrate, bounce, and play mechanical noise at your little one and replace the need for you all together.

Tomorrow’s Child Today!

We can entertain your offspring with an ever-growing output of educational plastic, screaming midi alphabets at your child, in three languages, until they are electronically tiger mothered, into early preschool acceptance.

Not today Leapfrog! Fuck you V-tech! Stay away from my girls.

I remember the first noisy toy that came into our house; it was a caterpillar with 26 legs that could count, recite the alphabet, and tell you the color of its leg. As if I weren’t in a fog of raising a tyrant already, now I needed to add a Clockwork Orange reprogramming to the mix.

I snapped.

Straight Office Spaced on its happy smiling caterpillar face, with its light up eyes. Letter legs pulled out with pliers. A primary color horror show that would have made Eli Roth proud. I will not be a hostage to this toy propaganda machine.

Back to basics was the most revolutionary stand I could take against the onslaught of new mom…